Update #4

Originally sent via newsletter on April 1. Subscribe for the latest updates!

I turned 29 this month! ♓️

It’s a weird age to turn. I didn’t expect it, but turning 29 sent a surge of urgency through me. One more year of my twenties… and I’ll never get to live this decade again. Like everyone, I’m sure, my twenties weren’t what I thought they’d be. There’s this picture of what your twenties are supposed to look like: travel, friendships, parties, romantic relationships, career advancements, etc. Get it all out of your system and get step into real adulthood in your 30s. 

To be honest, my twenties have been a quiet smoldering that seemed to coalesce this past year as a grand creative, spiritual, humble awakening. 

I didn’t really travel that much, other than a few trips around the US and one trip to Europe. It wasn’t the months-long backpacking trip across Europe and Asia I would have envisioned for myself as a teenager. Turns out, travel costs a lot more money than I thought, and good luck taking that much time off work.

I did make new friends, but those relationships aren’t anything like the ones from Friends or any other sitcom. And adult friendships are very different than teenage friendships, which was something that was kind of hard to reckon with early on, but I’ve come to terms with it. 

As far as romantic relationships go, I’ve been with the same person for 10 years, so somehow I was lucky enough to establish stability in that department fairly early on. 

I think the single most impactful realization I had during this decade, was the importance of passion. I’ve had a lot of different jobs, multiple career paths, and I’ve taken so many certifications for things that are now irrelevant thanks to AI. It turns out, following an outline for personal meaning, whether that’s for a career or religion, only grants a hollow sense of purpose. 

Taking the hardest way through is, unfortunately, the only way. I’m not going to lie, it was really really hard to recognize that the paths that were laid out for me early on that promised satisfaction, just weren’t cutting it. So, I had to venture out into the unknown and forge my own (I know, a bit cliché).

I read someone compare it to that scene at the end of The Truman Show, when he opens the door to exit the only reality he’s ever known. He could return to the familiar, or he could step out into the void and free fall, trusting that a way will present itself. Stepping outside the familiar is uncomfortable; it’s why a lot of us never do it. 

That’s not to say that the pre-formed path doesn’t work for everyone. For some people, it does. It’s a tried and true framework that has worked for centuries to give people a sense of purpose and satisfaction. That’s how it developed in the first place. It does work. 

I will argue, though, that if you are anyone with a creative drive, you must step out into the void. Otherwise, that framework is always going to fall short.

There’s a period, in between deciding the old way isn’t cutting it anymore and before establishing a new direction, that feels really scary. There’s so much fear in the unknown, and a part of us—every single one of us—wants the comfort of being told what to do. Freedom is a scary thing and it’s not for the faint of heart. 

About three years ago, I found myself in that void-space after realizing I was going in circles, repeating the same dead rituals over and over, hoping that one day it would all click and I’d feel right in the world. I had to step out into the unknown so that I could find what would actually make my life worth living because I honestly felt like I would go crazy otherwise.

The term “soul-searching” is kind of silly and I think a bit too vague. I can be more specific than that. I went in search of things that felt truly my own, not influenced by anyone else. Turns out a lot of my life had been externally motivated. So I had to think, what is something I only ever did for myself because I wouldn’t feel like myself if I didn’t do it? Writing was the single thing that I’d done my entire life, just because I wanted to, so that’s where I started. I’ve always had a drive to write in some capacity, and nothing feels more me than when I write a poem or a story and get to share it with friends or strangers. So, I followed that thread like a lifeline out of the void. 

And thus, my path started to clear. A veil lifted, and I could see a future again. I can write books and share them with people. I can keep doing this as long as I want, and it doesn’t even matter if people read it. I’ll do it because it makes me feel like myself and keeps me grounded with purpose. 

Everything else fell in place around that. I found community in the form of book clubs and other writers. I stopped putting so much of my value in my career because that’s not where I choose to place my passion. If I lost my job, I’d just have more time to write. I’d have to find a new way to make money again, but I’ve done that a couple of times already, and I’ve always been fine. 

That urgency I felt at turning 29, it wasn’t because I felt like I needed to hit a particular milestone or anything like that, but because I know what I want to spend my life doing now more than ever, and I can’t wait to keep doing it. Time keeps speeding up, and I don’t want to waste any of the time left. 

Sorry if this month felt a little heavy. I think I always get a bit existential during Spring when the world around me is waking up, I feel the need to wake up as well. (Also, it doesn’t help that I just finished reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath for the first time.)

What I’ve been reading in March 

• The Monk by Matthew Lewis 

• The War of Art by Steven Pressfield 

• The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

• Dungeon Crawler Carl & Carl’s Doomsday Scenario 🎧 by Matt Dinniman (currently listening to book 2!)

• Project Hail Mary by Andy Weir (currently reading)

• Circe by Madeline Miller (currently reading)

A Song on Salt Air is still with my editor, but I’ve gotten some nice, validating comments from her so far. I’m excited to get some real constructive feedback and to set a release date! I’m reluctant to set a date until I have the manuscript returned because I don’t know how long those revisions will take. But I’m thinking definitely this summer. 

If you’re interested in receiving an ARC before release, please let me know! 

Until next time,

Autumn